Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize