babies were throwing up all over the place
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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