Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize