I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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