she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I had to cum in my sink.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
