If i come over, it means nothing
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
