Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
