I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
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