I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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