Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
