Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
