He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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