So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
