I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
