Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In other news, I just burned my penis
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
