Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I will pee on everything he values.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
