apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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