Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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