just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I said "one day" and that day is not today
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
