i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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