I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
