Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
