Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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