his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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