Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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