Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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