I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
