i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize