Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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