I swear she didn't look like that last week.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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