Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm like, not good at living.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
