dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
