I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
