My Higher Power is John Stamos
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
