I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
