Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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