I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize