end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
