I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
