I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
