If you die in college, do you die in real life?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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