If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
