She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
