it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
