I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
