Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
