my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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