I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
