she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
