I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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