Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
