census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
