i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
