I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize