All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Jerry, you need to find god
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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