There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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